Learning to Breathe

Sometimes I forget and think that being very, very busy will keep me moving ahead, moving towards a better life, towards fulfillment, towards contentment, towards stability.  The truth is that being busy all of the time, working so hard that I'm holding my breath until the project is over, isn't necessarily a good thing for anyone, especially me.

2010 was one of those years of change and adjustment for me. One could say it was a year of upheaval. It was also a year that I became comfortable with some of who I am and what I have to offer my community.

As we welcomed 2010, I said goodbye to my job as Director of Development at the Mississippi Center for Nonprofits as it was phased out. I had been in discussions with Move the Mountain and the Mississippi Conference United Methodist Church about working with them to create a statewide campaign to end poverty, the Mississippi Circles Campaign, and began volunteering my time to create that campaign structure and strategy.  By April, I had a small contract to create the Circles Campaign written strategy for the state that could be replicated in other states. By June, we were working with the national Circles Campaign team to model their national strategy. Also at this time, the national economic decline really began to affect nonprofit giving, especially for new endeavors.  By the end of June, I couldn't afford to continue working on Circles any longer.

Sometimes, timing is everything.  In July, I accepted a position with Mississippi Children's Home Services as the Associate Director of Development working on fundraising, marketing and public relations, events, and volunteer management and began work in August.  For the first time in my career, I have found work where I do "good" that allows me to pay bills and still do "good" work that is fulfilling.  It may sound hokey, but I absolutely LOVE what I do and can see myself working with this organization and people for a very long time.

So here is where we talk about the "busy-ness" that filled my world in 2010.  The first half of the year, I spent working very, very hard to create a strategy and infrastructure for the program that I believe is the glue that can tie together all of the nonprofit and private industries to rid my home state of the poverty that defines so much of who Mississippians are and how we are perceived. It just wasn't the correct time for me to do that work, I suppose.  The second half of 2010 found me leaping in to a new job with a large, statewide nonprofit organization. From September to December, our Development Department of 3 people (one was out on maternity leave from Sept until Oct) directly managed a Car Giveaway fundraiser, 5 birthday parties for the children who live with us in Jackson, an Auxiliary Membership Tea, a Gulf Coast reception, a Gulf Coast groundbreaking, the end-of-year appeal, and fulfillment of the Christmas Wish Lists of the children we serve across the state. We've also participated in or provided support for a Hattiesburg Wine Tasting and Tour of Homes and the first annual 'Twas a Night with Gail Pittman. Also, I pulled the muscles in my right ankle in July and then broke my right leg just above the ankle in October, so I was on crutches for most of the last half of 2010.

What did all of this "busy-ness" bring me?  Some awareness.  In life, we are on a journey of becoming aware that we, as humans, are not the center of the universe; that we, as individuals, are not the center of our world. When I was in my teens and twenties, the only awareness I had of the world around me was how it affected me, how it made me feel or act.  In my thirties, I began to see how my actions affected the people I directly interacted with and how I could change "me" to have better relationships. In my forties, I began to see how my actions could affect the world around me and that if I lived my life with purpose, I might have a better, lasting effect on my community.  In my 2010 soul and job-searching, I assessed my past careers and personal relationships.  When I've tried to do this in the past, I've found myself focusing on my failures.  This time, I was able to look back and see where I had succeeded as well as where I had failed. I made a decision that any work I ever would do again would have to meet 2 requirements. The work would have to provide me with a living wage, be a job that creates positive change in my state, and be a job that is fulfilling. Since work fills so many hours of my waking week, it should be something that is a positive in my life instead of just a way to keep a roof over my head.  If I enjoy my work, I reasoned, I'll be a better mother, wife, and friend.

Here comes the calm.

So far in 2011, I've taken steps towards learning to breathe instead of being consumed with "busy-ness."  At home, I've read 4 books (The Swan Thieves, The 19th Wife, The Almost Moon, and The Glass Castle) when in all of 2010 I only managed to read 1 book (Until It's Gone by Move the Mountain founder Scott Miller). I have begun some very small organizing projects and hope to finish painting two bedrooms and moving children in to them this year. At work, I've created a development calendar and am creating a comprehensive development plan for MCHS to allow us to better manage our staff resources and fundraising goals and events. In general, I plan to not get caught up in feeling like I have to attend every social event that I'm invited to attend. I plan on hugging my children more while listening to what they have to say without distraction. I plan on noticing the good things in my life more.  I plan on writing because I find myself exhaling when I do.

And, of course, I plan on losing weight and exercising more.  We'll see how that last one goes...